Knowing When to Let Go!

In my life, I am moving into unfamiliar territory!  My oldest child will be coming home off his two- year LDS mission and going to college in Utah and my daughter will graduate from high school and also head down to Utah.  I have had many people comment and joke with me that I could be having two weddings in the next few years!  I just laugh and brush that aside because I don’t even want to think about it.

 If I could have my way I would keep them around me for a couple more years and just enjoy them.  However- I know that is just a dream of mine and that they need to move on in their lives and experience this life. 

I appreciated the article “Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families” by James Harper and Susanne Olsen.  They said, “Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly!” I love that!  It’s just what I needed to hear.  My husband and I have given them roots to grow and wings.  Now I just need to let them fly and have the faith that the Lord is over all.  He will give them the opportunities to flourish and meet new people who will bless their lives.

I am trying to learn that my role is changing from that of main caretaker to support.  If and when someone special comes into their lives, I will get to encourage and lift them.  The article also stated, “In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval or support of parents to marry.”  When children marry, you walk a fine line as their parent.  You want to help them succeed, so you always show love and let them know that you are there for them. 

The best scriptural advice given on this subject is found in the book of Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.”  The husband/wife relationship is the most important relationship to be in.  You will find the most success in that partnership when parents and in-laws are not a part of their covenant marriage, but it is only the husband, wife, and the Lord. 

"Let her fly"

Marriage can be a beautiful partnership when spouses admire and respect one another for their individual differences and strengths.  I am in a “traditional” marriage and a stay-at-home mom.   My husband has been able to support our family, but through the years, I have had odd jobs to make a little extra money.  For the most part I have been home while my children are growing up.  It has been such a blessing!

Years ago, I remember a controversy going on among women in our church about not being able to hold the Priesthood.  They started an “Ordain Women” movement that gathered some followers but didn’t really go anywhere.  During that time, I really had to do some soul searching and find out what I believed and knew to be right. 

First, I believe in living prophets and that President Thomas S. Monson holds all the keys of the priesthood on the earth.  I believe that he speaks with God and receives revelation from Him on what we need to do as members of His church.  Through my prayers and study, I also came to believe that motherhood is equally as important (or even more so) than the priesthood.  As women, we have been given a beautiful charge to bring children into this world and to love, nurture, and teach them.  I believe there is no greater calling than to raise a righteous family. 

I could not fulfill my role as a mother if I didn’t have the support of a kind husband.  I have always been able to tell my husband what my dreams are and he would do his best to help or even just step back and let me do my thing!

I read a sweet story about President and Sister Hinckley.  They were being interviewed by a magazine.  Sister Hinckley had been quoted saying that her husband, “always let me do my own thing.  He never insisted that I do anything his way or any way, for that matter.  From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.”  When I heard that I thought it was the most beautiful statement. 

President Hinckley was then asked how he avoided compelling his wife to fit his standard of what he thought was ideal.  He replied, “I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions.  Let her fly.  Yes, let her fly!  Let her develop her own talents.  Let her do things her way.  Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does.”

I love that in a marriage we can help each other grow spiritually, develop talents, learn to love deeply and become the person that God intends us to be. 

Views on Sexual Intimacy

This past week I have read some great articles written on sexual intimacy and where it fits within a marriage.  I have been in a loving marital relationship for over 21 years and am so grateful for the insights that I have gained over these past years.  I viewed sexual intimacy as a 21 year old newlywed very differently to how I view it now.  It is more sacred and powerful than I could have ever imagined!

A great article on intimacy was written by Sean Brotherson and entitled, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”.  In it he tells of a conversation that he had with his mother and aunt about sexual intimacy in marriage.  He had been reading a book and had lots of questions, one that he asked was, “what that experience (sexual intimacy) was really supposed to be like.”  He said his mother laughed and then said, “. . .sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”  Brotherson said that, “that’s about the best answer he has ever heard on that question.” 

I too, love that answer!  

Intimacy in marriage can be multi-faceted and serve many purposes.  I would also add that when a husband and wife come together unselfishly, that it strengthens their eternal bond.  Elder Richard G. Scott says, “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set.   One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality.  Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.” 

Victor Cline, in his book “How to Make a Good Marriage Great” defines perfectly what intimacy is all about.  He says, “In summary, sex should be a celebration.  It comes from God.  He created our sexual appetites and natures.  He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually.  He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation.  And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children.  The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship.  Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other.  It won’t always be easy.  But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.”

Magic Six Hours!

If you were told as a young married couple that there is a “magical six hours”  that you can spend in your relationship that can have a dramatic and positive change on you and your spouse, would you be interested?   

Dr. John M. Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, followed up on some Seattle couples that attended his workshops.  Dr. Gottman wanted to distinguish between couples whose marriages continued to improve and those whose were suffering, and find out what was helping those to succeed.  They found that there was an extra six hours during the week that the couples spent talking and being with one another.  Here is what they found:

“1.  Partings- Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day.

time- 2 minutes a day x 5 working days

total- 10 minutes

2.  Reunions- We recommend a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds.  The six-second kiss is worth coming home to.  Also, be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday for at least 20 minutes. 

time- 20 min. a day x 5 days

total- 1 hour 40 minutes

3.  Admiration and appreciation-  Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse.  Genuinely say, “I love you.”

time- 5 minutes a day x 7 days

total- 35 minutes

4.  Affection-  Show each other physical affection when you’re together during the day,  and make sure to always embrace before going to sleep.  Even if on occasion your goodnight kiss just lasts for microseconds, think of it as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day.  In other words, always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

time-5 minutes a day x 7 days

total- 35 minutes

5.  Weekly date-  This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected.  Ask open-ended questions.

time- 2 hours once a week

total- 2 hours

6. State of the union meeting-  Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week.  Keep this time sacred.  Begin by talking about what went right.  Then give each other five appreciations you  haven’t yet expressed.  Try to be specific.  Next, discuss any issues that may have arisen.  Ask, “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?”

time- 1 hour a week

GRAND TOTAL— SIX HOURS”

I was really excited to learn about the “Magic Six Hours”.  I am going to be mindful of these 6 steps and try to focus on them because it is a great way to stay connected to your spouse and strengthen my marriage!

Consecration and Forgiveness

I have been thinking a lot lately of my marriage 

and what my role is in making this “marriage” an “eternal marriage”.  

In my readings this week two words have stuck out 

that I generally wouldn’t have associated with my marriage, 

but I have learned how key they are in helping me live a covenant marriage.  

The two words are:

1.  consecrated

2.  forgiveness

Consecration in marriage means giving your all-

 your time, talents, money, love, and your soul to your spouse.  

H. Wallace Goddard in his book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” 

asks some good questions that have made me think a little bit deeper. 

 

“Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?  

Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering?  

Or do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts?”

I realize that some days I am just on cruise control trying to survive the rigors of life with teenagers.  My nerves are frazzled, 

my thought processes have shut down,

 and my energy level is non-existent!  

At these times I find that I have nothing left to give my spouse.  

I now realize that these are the times that I need most to be connected and in tune with him. 

 Because when we are in sync with one another, 

I believe, 

that we will be able to give one another the strength that we both need to continue on!

Goddard says, 

“We give everything we have and are.  

And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more.”  

If I have a consecrated marriage then God will be a partner with us 

and he will be able to make up the difference of what we are lacking!

Forgiveness is a critical element in eternal marriage. 

 When our hearts are at war with one another in a relationship the Holy Ghost can’t be with us.  

Then, we lose the gift of revelation that can bless the lives of the couple and their family.  

In April 2007, Elder James E. Faust gave a beautiful talk on forgiveness.  

 He said that when we recognize angry feelings within us we need to pray for humility 

and a feeling of forgiveness.  When we rid anger and hatred from our hearts the Lord will give us comfort through the Atonement and we will receive a measure of peace.  

Elder Faust pleads for us to 

“let go and empty your hearts of festering resentment.”  

If we can strive to live a consecrated life toward our spouse and not harbor grudges against them for past wrongs, then we can live a life that is worthy to receive blessings from our Heavenly Father.  Our marriages will be strong and our homes will be sacred places!