Knowing When to Let Go!

In my life, I am moving into unfamiliar territory!  My oldest child will be coming home off his two- year LDS mission and going to college in Utah and my daughter will graduate from high school and also head down to Utah.  I have had many people comment and joke with me that I could be having two weddings in the next few years!  I just laugh and brush that aside because I don’t even want to think about it.

 If I could have my way I would keep them around me for a couple more years and just enjoy them.  However- I know that is just a dream of mine and that they need to move on in their lives and experience this life. 

I appreciated the article “Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families” by James Harper and Susanne Olsen.  They said, “Parents give their children two things: roots to grow, and wings to fly!” I love that!  It’s just what I needed to hear.  My husband and I have given them roots to grow and wings.  Now I just need to let them fly and have the faith that the Lord is over all.  He will give them the opportunities to flourish and meet new people who will bless their lives.

I am trying to learn that my role is changing from that of main caretaker to support.  If and when someone special comes into their lives, I will get to encourage and lift them.  The article also stated, “In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval or support of parents to marry.”  When children marry, you walk a fine line as their parent.  You want to help them succeed, so you always show love and let them know that you are there for them. 

The best scriptural advice given on this subject is found in the book of Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.”  The husband/wife relationship is the most important relationship to be in.  You will find the most success in that partnership when parents and in-laws are not a part of their covenant marriage, but it is only the husband, wife, and the Lord. 

"Let her fly"

Marriage can be a beautiful partnership when spouses admire and respect one another for their individual differences and strengths.  I am in a “traditional” marriage and a stay-at-home mom.   My husband has been able to support our family, but through the years, I have had odd jobs to make a little extra money.  For the most part I have been home while my children are growing up.  It has been such a blessing!

Years ago, I remember a controversy going on among women in our church about not being able to hold the Priesthood.  They started an “Ordain Women” movement that gathered some followers but didn’t really go anywhere.  During that time, I really had to do some soul searching and find out what I believed and knew to be right. 

First, I believe in living prophets and that President Thomas S. Monson holds all the keys of the priesthood on the earth.  I believe that he speaks with God and receives revelation from Him on what we need to do as members of His church.  Through my prayers and study, I also came to believe that motherhood is equally as important (or even more so) than the priesthood.  As women, we have been given a beautiful charge to bring children into this world and to love, nurture, and teach them.  I believe there is no greater calling than to raise a righteous family. 

I could not fulfill my role as a mother if I didn’t have the support of a kind husband.  I have always been able to tell my husband what my dreams are and he would do his best to help or even just step back and let me do my thing!

I read a sweet story about President and Sister Hinckley.  They were being interviewed by a magazine.  Sister Hinckley had been quoted saying that her husband, “always let me do my own thing.  He never insisted that I do anything his way or any way, for that matter.  From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.”  When I heard that I thought it was the most beautiful statement. 

President Hinckley was then asked how he avoided compelling his wife to fit his standard of what he thought was ideal.  He replied, “I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions.  Let her fly.  Yes, let her fly!  Let her develop her own talents.  Let her do things her way.  Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does.”

I love that in a marriage we can help each other grow spiritually, develop talents, learn to love deeply and become the person that God intends us to be. 

Views on Sexual Intimacy

This past week I have read some great articles written on sexual intimacy and where it fits within a marriage.  I have been in a loving marital relationship for over 21 years and am so grateful for the insights that I have gained over these past years.  I viewed sexual intimacy as a 21 year old newlywed very differently to how I view it now.  It is more sacred and powerful than I could have ever imagined!

A great article on intimacy was written by Sean Brotherson and entitled, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage”.  In it he tells of a conversation that he had with his mother and aunt about sexual intimacy in marriage.  He had been reading a book and had lots of questions, one that he asked was, “what that experience (sexual intimacy) was really supposed to be like.”  He said his mother laughed and then said, “. . .sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”  Brotherson said that, “that’s about the best answer he has ever heard on that question.” 

I too, love that answer!  

Intimacy in marriage can be multi-faceted and serve many purposes.  I would also add that when a husband and wife come together unselfishly, that it strengthens their eternal bond.  Elder Richard G. Scott says, “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set.   One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality.  Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.” 

Victor Cline, in his book “How to Make a Good Marriage Great” defines perfectly what intimacy is all about.  He says, “In summary, sex should be a celebration.  It comes from God.  He created our sexual appetites and natures.  He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually.  He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation.  And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children.  The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship.  Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other.  It won’t always be easy.  But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.”

Magic Six Hours!

If you were told as a young married couple that there is a “magical six hours”  that you can spend in your relationship that can have a dramatic and positive change on you and your spouse, would you be interested?   

Dr. John M. Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, followed up on some Seattle couples that attended his workshops.  Dr. Gottman wanted to distinguish between couples whose marriages continued to improve and those whose were suffering, and find out what was helping those to succeed.  They found that there was an extra six hours during the week that the couples spent talking and being with one another.  Here is what they found:

“1.  Partings- Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day.

time- 2 minutes a day x 5 working days

total- 10 minutes

2.  Reunions- We recommend a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds.  The six-second kiss is worth coming home to.  Also, be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday for at least 20 minutes. 

time- 20 min. a day x 5 days

total- 1 hour 40 minutes

3.  Admiration and appreciation-  Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse.  Genuinely say, “I love you.”

time- 5 minutes a day x 7 days

total- 35 minutes

4.  Affection-  Show each other physical affection when you’re together during the day,  and make sure to always embrace before going to sleep.  Even if on occasion your goodnight kiss just lasts for microseconds, think of it as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day.  In other words, always lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

time-5 minutes a day x 7 days

total- 35 minutes

5.  Weekly date-  This just-the-two-of-you time can be a relaxing, romantic way to stay connected.  Ask open-ended questions.

time- 2 hours once a week

total- 2 hours

6. State of the union meeting-  Select one hour a week to talk about your relationship this week.  Keep this time sacred.  Begin by talking about what went right.  Then give each other five appreciations you  haven’t yet expressed.  Try to be specific.  Next, discuss any issues that may have arisen.  Ask, “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?”

time- 1 hour a week

GRAND TOTAL— SIX HOURS”

I was really excited to learn about the “Magic Six Hours”.  I am going to be mindful of these 6 steps and try to focus on them because it is a great way to stay connected to your spouse and strengthen my marriage!

Consecration and Forgiveness

I have been thinking a lot lately of my marriage 

and what my role is in making this “marriage” an “eternal marriage”.  

In my readings this week two words have stuck out 

that I generally wouldn’t have associated with my marriage, 

but I have learned how key they are in helping me live a covenant marriage.  

The two words are:

1.  consecrated

2.  forgiveness

Consecration in marriage means giving your all-

 your time, talents, money, love, and your soul to your spouse.  

H. Wallace Goddard in his book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” 

asks some good questions that have made me think a little bit deeper. 

 

“Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?  

Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering?  

Or do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts?”

I realize that some days I am just on cruise control trying to survive the rigors of life with teenagers.  My nerves are frazzled, 

my thought processes have shut down,

 and my energy level is non-existent!  

At these times I find that I have nothing left to give my spouse.  

I now realize that these are the times that I need most to be connected and in tune with him. 

 Because when we are in sync with one another, 

I believe, 

that we will be able to give one another the strength that we both need to continue on!

Goddard says, 

“We give everything we have and are.  

And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more.”  

If I have a consecrated marriage then God will be a partner with us 

and he will be able to make up the difference of what we are lacking!

Forgiveness is a critical element in eternal marriage. 

 When our hearts are at war with one another in a relationship the Holy Ghost can’t be with us.  

Then, we lose the gift of revelation that can bless the lives of the couple and their family.  

In April 2007, Elder James E. Faust gave a beautiful talk on forgiveness.  

 He said that when we recognize angry feelings within us we need to pray for humility 

and a feeling of forgiveness.  When we rid anger and hatred from our hearts the Lord will give us comfort through the Atonement and we will receive a measure of peace.  

Elder Faust pleads for us to 

“let go and empty your hearts of festering resentment.”  

If we can strive to live a consecrated life toward our spouse and not harbor grudges against them for past wrongs, then we can live a life that is worthy to receive blessings from our Heavenly Father.  Our marriages will be strong and our homes will be sacred places!

Beware of Pride

President Ezra Taft Benson gave an epic talk in 1989, entitled "Beware of Pride". 

 In it he defines pride as "self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness."  

But even all of these words don't teach us the real meaning of pride.  

President Benson says, 

"The central feature of pride is enmity--enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen."  

The dictionary defines enmity as a

 "feeling or condition of hostility, hatred; ill will; animostiy; antagonism".

 With all of that said,  

we could determine that pride is a hatred toward God and our fellow men.  

And pride in a marriage could be defined as hatred toward our eternal companion.

The more that I learn about marriages and the importance of building and strengthening your relationship and turning toward one another, I realize that 

pride has no place within a successful marriage! 

 President Benson also said in his talk, 

"The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others." 

 If pride creeps into a marriage or was even there before the marriage began, 

it could destroy individuals and their eternal union.  

When one partner in a marriage believes that they are in 

competition or are trying to prove that they are better than the other an

 unhealthy competition or rival can begin!

The Family: A Proclamation To The World teaches, 

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith,prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities." 

 It goes on to say, 

"fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."  

I came across a video this past week that speaks volumes

about a man who has dealt with pride

his whole life and what it can do to you! 

There is no room for pride in any of our lives

 and there is not one spouse who is better or worse than the other.  

In a marriage they are equal partners!

The opposite of pride is humility.  

And if we are humble then we can have charity and love toward others!  

Our end goal in this life is to have eternal life 

and be with our spouses and families forever.

Shared lives!

I have been thinking a lot about marriage in general and how grateful I am for it.  

I learned last semester in a Family Relations class that people are born 

with a need to connect with others.  

Marriage is definitely a way to connect, to be a part of something bigger than yourself, 

and to grow into something better than you wouldn't have been able to do on your own. 

From John Gottman's book,

 "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" 

I learned about 4 pillars or foundations that when done,

 can create a meaning and purpose for your marriage. 

I.  RITUALS OF CONNECTION-  I call them traditions.  It could be from sitting at the table having dinner together, to Christmas caroling, to family reunions.

II.  SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER'S ROLES- When we support one another in the role's that we have then we can have harmony in our relationship and not tension.

III.  SHARED GOALS-  You can have a richer relationship with your spouse when you work together to reach a common goal.

IV.  SHARED VALUES AND SYMBOLS-  When you can find values or symbols like dining room tables, stories of ancestors, or, pictures of temples that mean something to the both of you, then they can be a strength in your marriage.

With all four of these pillars working together, 

a marriage will be supported and strong enough to withstand 

the many influences that are tearing marriages apart.

As I have studied these principles I smile, 

because they are things that my husband and I readily talk about in our day to day lives. 

 Traditions run deep in our family and I hope that they are carried on into our children's families. 

 I would be lost if I didn't have my husbands support as I am striving to accomplish my goals. 

 Both of us also have the same goals and values,  

we both believe in the plan of salvation and eternal life 

and our deepest desire is to get there together.  

We are both far from perfect, but with covenants made and our sights on Heaven, 

I believe the Lord can help us there!

Cherish Your Memories!

Several years ago I snuck away with my husband on one of his business trips!  We had to drive for a several hours and when I am in the car I love to read!  I don’t have a lot of time to do that at home because I am pulled so many different directions with my kids.  BUT— I know that my husband starts to feel a little neglected as we are in a car alone together and all I want to do is go away to my little happy place in some fairy tale ending novel.

Well, this trip I decided I would do things a little bit differently, so I found a list of get-to-know-you questions that were online and printed them out.  I have found being married 20 years that we are very comfortable sitting in silence, but I thought it would be fun to have some set questions that we could talk about.  They were a broad range of questions, from your favorite color, to your biggest challenge in life, to your greatest dream.

We laughed, we cried, and relived a lot of great moments that we had shared together, as well as getting to know each other better again!  The miles on the road flew by and before I knew it we had reached our destination.  That was one of the most memorable trips that we have taken together because we strengthened our relationship by getting to know each other again.

In John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he teaches the first principle to saving your marriage is to "Enhance Your Love Maps".  Dr. Gottman defined a love map as a couple who are "intimately familiar with each other's world."  He believes that, "Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict."  I believe this to be true.  When I feel the closest to my husband I feel that we can overcome anything together!

One very important thing that we can do in our marriage is to talk about and remember why and how we fell in love! I believe that it is those good times that will get us through the hard times which are sure to come!

Friendship in Marriage

I have learned a lot of great information this week about negative behaviors that can effect marriage.  But what stuck out to me the most is 40 years of research from Dr. John Gottman, 

who is a leading researcher in marital relationships.  He has studied hundreds of marriages to see what works and what doesn't work within relationships. 

In his book "The Seven Principles for Making marriage Work", Dr. Gottman said, 

"I now know that the key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship

 is not simply how you handle your disagreements

 but how you engage with each other when you're not fighting." 

His approach to helping couples is to 

"strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage."

The dictionary defines friendship as 

"the state of being a friend" 

 and a friend is 

"a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."  

This makes me smile because I consider my husband my dearest friend!

We were friends long before we were married.  We had common talents and interests- music, a love of people, a desire to travel, joy in the gospel of Jesus Christ. It was easy to get to know who he really was deep inside because he showed a genuine love and concern for the people around him.  He brought peace and contentment into my life and continues to do so after 21 years of marriage.

If I had a wish it would be that all marriages could be founded upon eternal friendship which would last through all times!

Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

There are so many good and wonderful things that you can say about marriage, 

but when it comes down to it the most important thing that will strengthen my marriage is to come to understand what the Lord’s purpose is for it and why it’s essential to my eternal progression and life.  

In the talk 

“Marriage Is Essential To His Eternal Plan”,

 Elder Bednar gives us two reasons and three principles 

that are doctrinally based of why marriage is essential.

    #1 Reason- “The nature of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.”

        *Because men and women are so unique in their personalities and abilities each one is needed in the plan of happiness.  Man needs woman and woman needs man in order to make it to exaltation.

    #2 Reason-  “By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.”

        *Studies have shown that children thrive more when they are in a home with a mother and father.  One study says, “Compared to children who are raised by their married parents, children in other family types are more likely to achieve lower levels of education, to become teen parents, and to experience health, behavior, and mental health problems.”  (Are Married Parents Really Better for Children? What Research Says About the Effects of Family Structure on Child Well-Being, by Mary Parke)
This is an annotated version of a Couples and Marriage Research and Policy brief published in May 2003 by the Center for Law and Social Policy (available at www.clasp.org).


        #1 Principle- “The importance or eternal marriage can be understood only within the context of the Father’s plan of happiness.

        #2 Principle- “Satan desires that all man and women be miserable like unto himself.”

        #3 Principle-  “The ultimate blessings of love and happiness are obtained through the covenant relationship of eternal marriage.”
   

Most of the world would view marriage as a contract and not a covenant!  

 Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his talk 

“Covenant Marriage”,

 says that a couple in a “contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away”, 

but in a covenant marriage

 “when the troubles come, the husband and wife work them through”.  

I am so grateful for the knowledge that we are given about eternal relationships.  

This all just makes sense to me.  

Men and women need each other and when we are true to the covenants 

that we make with our Heavenly Father and our spouse, 

life is put in perspective and it gives us meaning and purpose. 

 I know that life is not made easier, but it sure makes it worth it!  

Threats to Marriage

June 26, 2015, 

is a day that will go down in history that changed the future of our country 

by redefining traditional marriage in our nation.  

Five (appointed, not elected) Supreme Court Justices ruled that the traditional family is no longer relevant, or marriage between a man and a woman, now includes marriage between two men or two women.  It doesn't matter what the history of the world has been, it now isn't defined by two people who can procreate and produce offspring, but it's defined as two people who love each other. 

This has already and will continue to cause challenges within the religious community who strive to uphold God's laws and live moral lives.  

People have already lost their livelihood by standing firm to their religious values.  

How much further away from God will our country go? 

I appreciate the church's position on gay marriage and religious freedom.  We are taught to continue to love people, but we don't have to condone behavior.  

We need to stand for our values and not be afraid to share our beliefs.

Elder Russel M. Nelson gave a wonderful talk, "Defenders of Marriage". 
He said, "Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared immoral. 
We value their rights and feelings. 
But, we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. 
It is not for man to change."

He goes on to say,
"The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. 
Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. 
It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night- 24/7! 
There is no such thing as a part-time disciple of the Lord, Jesus Christ."

In the day and age that we live there are grave threats to marriage. 
But, I stand with the brethren! 
I will continue to love all people, but I will defend my beliefs,
especially on marriage!

Marriage is why we are here!

I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  

The counsel that I receive, especially regarding marriage and family relationships, 

brings me a lot of peace!  

Speaking on the family, President Spencer W. Kimball's words speak to my heart.  

He gave this quote in the October conference in 1980.  

His prophetic words are ringing forth today as the family is being attacked. 

He says, 

"The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us."

I take heart when I hear this because I BELIEVE DEEPLY in the family and I am counting on that belief to preserve my family.  Now I know that my desires can't stop my children or my spouse's choices, but I am confident that the Lord knows my heart and wishes to bless me however he can.  That can be by giving me peace and helping me endure as my family and I go through trials! 

Elder Oaks' address on "Divorce" in the April 2007 conference taught me things that I have been pondering on in my own life.  One of my dear childhood friends who lives near my family and whose children have become good friends of my own children, recently got divorced.  It happened last semester while I was registered for 3 family classes (Family Relations, The Family, and The Eternal Family).  These classes study in depth, "The Proclamation: A Proclamation to the World".  The reasons for the divorce aren't important for me to about in this blog, but I was and continue to be so confused about their divorce and the effects it will have on the couple and their children. 

Having said that, Elder Oaks says,

 ". . .a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman.  It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."  

That is what I want to focus on in my own marriage.  

I am not perfect and my husband isn't perfect, but together we can be!  

That gives me hope! 

 That gives me something to work toward!  

That is why we are here on the earth, 

to strive to be like God so that we can return to Him again!