Beware of Pride

President Ezra Taft Benson gave an epic talk in 1989, entitled "Beware of Pride". 

 In it he defines pride as "self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness."  

But even all of these words don't teach us the real meaning of pride.  

President Benson says, 

"The central feature of pride is enmity--enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen."  

The dictionary defines enmity as a

 "feeling or condition of hostility, hatred; ill will; animostiy; antagonism".

 With all of that said,  

we could determine that pride is a hatred toward God and our fellow men.  

And pride in a marriage could be defined as hatred toward our eternal companion.

The more that I learn about marriages and the importance of building and strengthening your relationship and turning toward one another, I realize that 

pride has no place within a successful marriage! 

 President Benson also said in his talk, 

"The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others." 

 If pride creeps into a marriage or was even there before the marriage began, 

it could destroy individuals and their eternal union.  

When one partner in a marriage believes that they are in 

competition or are trying to prove that they are better than the other an

 unhealthy competition or rival can begin!

The Family: A Proclamation To The World teaches, 

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith,prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities." 

 It goes on to say, 

"fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."  

I came across a video this past week that speaks volumes

about a man who has dealt with pride

his whole life and what it can do to you! 

There is no room for pride in any of our lives

 and there is not one spouse who is better or worse than the other.  

In a marriage they are equal partners!

The opposite of pride is humility.  

And if we are humble then we can have charity and love toward others!  

Our end goal in this life is to have eternal life 

and be with our spouses and families forever.

Shared lives!

I have been thinking a lot about marriage in general and how grateful I am for it.  

I learned last semester in a Family Relations class that people are born 

with a need to connect with others.  

Marriage is definitely a way to connect, to be a part of something bigger than yourself, 

and to grow into something better than you wouldn't have been able to do on your own. 

From John Gottman's book,

 "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" 

I learned about 4 pillars or foundations that when done,

 can create a meaning and purpose for your marriage. 

I.  RITUALS OF CONNECTION-  I call them traditions.  It could be from sitting at the table having dinner together, to Christmas caroling, to family reunions.

II.  SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER'S ROLES- When we support one another in the role's that we have then we can have harmony in our relationship and not tension.

III.  SHARED GOALS-  You can have a richer relationship with your spouse when you work together to reach a common goal.

IV.  SHARED VALUES AND SYMBOLS-  When you can find values or symbols like dining room tables, stories of ancestors, or, pictures of temples that mean something to the both of you, then they can be a strength in your marriage.

With all four of these pillars working together, 

a marriage will be supported and strong enough to withstand 

the many influences that are tearing marriages apart.

As I have studied these principles I smile, 

because they are things that my husband and I readily talk about in our day to day lives. 

 Traditions run deep in our family and I hope that they are carried on into our children's families. 

 I would be lost if I didn't have my husbands support as I am striving to accomplish my goals. 

 Both of us also have the same goals and values,  

we both believe in the plan of salvation and eternal life 

and our deepest desire is to get there together.  

We are both far from perfect, but with covenants made and our sights on Heaven, 

I believe the Lord can help us there!

Cherish Your Memories!

Several years ago I snuck away with my husband on one of his business trips!  We had to drive for a several hours and when I am in the car I love to read!  I don’t have a lot of time to do that at home because I am pulled so many different directions with my kids.  BUT— I know that my husband starts to feel a little neglected as we are in a car alone together and all I want to do is go away to my little happy place in some fairy tale ending novel.

Well, this trip I decided I would do things a little bit differently, so I found a list of get-to-know-you questions that were online and printed them out.  I have found being married 20 years that we are very comfortable sitting in silence, but I thought it would be fun to have some set questions that we could talk about.  They were a broad range of questions, from your favorite color, to your biggest challenge in life, to your greatest dream.

We laughed, we cried, and relived a lot of great moments that we had shared together, as well as getting to know each other better again!  The miles on the road flew by and before I knew it we had reached our destination.  That was one of the most memorable trips that we have taken together because we strengthened our relationship by getting to know each other again.

In John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", he teaches the first principle to saving your marriage is to "Enhance Your Love Maps".  Dr. Gottman defined a love map as a couple who are "intimately familiar with each other's world."  He believes that, "Couples who have detailed love maps of each other's world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict."  I believe this to be true.  When I feel the closest to my husband I feel that we can overcome anything together!

One very important thing that we can do in our marriage is to talk about and remember why and how we fell in love! I believe that it is those good times that will get us through the hard times which are sure to come!

Friendship in Marriage

I have learned a lot of great information this week about negative behaviors that can effect marriage.  But what stuck out to me the most is 40 years of research from Dr. John Gottman, 

who is a leading researcher in marital relationships.  He has studied hundreds of marriages to see what works and what doesn't work within relationships. 

In his book "The Seven Principles for Making marriage Work", Dr. Gottman said, 

"I now know that the key to reviving or divorce-proofing a relationship

 is not simply how you handle your disagreements

 but how you engage with each other when you're not fighting." 

His approach to helping couples is to 

"strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage."

The dictionary defines friendship as 

"the state of being a friend" 

 and a friend is 

"a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."  

This makes me smile because I consider my husband my dearest friend!

We were friends long before we were married.  We had common talents and interests- music, a love of people, a desire to travel, joy in the gospel of Jesus Christ. It was easy to get to know who he really was deep inside because he showed a genuine love and concern for the people around him.  He brought peace and contentment into my life and continues to do so after 21 years of marriage.

If I had a wish it would be that all marriages could be founded upon eternal friendship which would last through all times!

Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

There are so many good and wonderful things that you can say about marriage, 

but when it comes down to it the most important thing that will strengthen my marriage is to come to understand what the Lord’s purpose is for it and why it’s essential to my eternal progression and life.  

In the talk 

“Marriage Is Essential To His Eternal Plan”,

 Elder Bednar gives us two reasons and three principles 

that are doctrinally based of why marriage is essential.

    #1 Reason- “The nature of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.”

        *Because men and women are so unique in their personalities and abilities each one is needed in the plan of happiness.  Man needs woman and woman needs man in order to make it to exaltation.

    #2 Reason-  “By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.”

        *Studies have shown that children thrive more when they are in a home with a mother and father.  One study says, “Compared to children who are raised by their married parents, children in other family types are more likely to achieve lower levels of education, to become teen parents, and to experience health, behavior, and mental health problems.”  (Are Married Parents Really Better for Children? What Research Says About the Effects of Family Structure on Child Well-Being, by Mary Parke)
This is an annotated version of a Couples and Marriage Research and Policy brief published in May 2003 by the Center for Law and Social Policy (available at www.clasp.org).


        #1 Principle- “The importance or eternal marriage can be understood only within the context of the Father’s plan of happiness.

        #2 Principle- “Satan desires that all man and women be miserable like unto himself.”

        #3 Principle-  “The ultimate blessings of love and happiness are obtained through the covenant relationship of eternal marriage.”
   

Most of the world would view marriage as a contract and not a covenant!  

 Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his talk 

“Covenant Marriage”,

 says that a couple in a “contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away”, 

but in a covenant marriage

 “when the troubles come, the husband and wife work them through”.  

I am so grateful for the knowledge that we are given about eternal relationships.  

This all just makes sense to me.  

Men and women need each other and when we are true to the covenants 

that we make with our Heavenly Father and our spouse, 

life is put in perspective and it gives us meaning and purpose. 

 I know that life is not made easier, but it sure makes it worth it!  

Threats to Marriage

June 26, 2015, 

is a day that will go down in history that changed the future of our country 

by redefining traditional marriage in our nation.  

Five (appointed, not elected) Supreme Court Justices ruled that the traditional family is no longer relevant, or marriage between a man and a woman, now includes marriage between two men or two women.  It doesn't matter what the history of the world has been, it now isn't defined by two people who can procreate and produce offspring, but it's defined as two people who love each other. 

This has already and will continue to cause challenges within the religious community who strive to uphold God's laws and live moral lives.  

People have already lost their livelihood by standing firm to their religious values.  

How much further away from God will our country go? 

I appreciate the church's position on gay marriage and religious freedom.  We are taught to continue to love people, but we don't have to condone behavior.  

We need to stand for our values and not be afraid to share our beliefs.

Elder Russel M. Nelson gave a wonderful talk, "Defenders of Marriage". 
He said, "Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared immoral. 
We value their rights and feelings. 
But, we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. 
It is not for man to change."

He goes on to say,
"The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. 
Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. 
It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night- 24/7! 
There is no such thing as a part-time disciple of the Lord, Jesus Christ."

In the day and age that we live there are grave threats to marriage. 
But, I stand with the brethren! 
I will continue to love all people, but I will defend my beliefs,
especially on marriage!

Marriage is why we are here!

I love being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  

The counsel that I receive, especially regarding marriage and family relationships, 

brings me a lot of peace!  

Speaking on the family, President Spencer W. Kimball's words speak to my heart.  

He gave this quote in the October conference in 1980.  

His prophetic words are ringing forth today as the family is being attacked. 

He says, 

"The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us."

I take heart when I hear this because I BELIEVE DEEPLY in the family and I am counting on that belief to preserve my family.  Now I know that my desires can't stop my children or my spouse's choices, but I am confident that the Lord knows my heart and wishes to bless me however he can.  That can be by giving me peace and helping me endure as my family and I go through trials! 

Elder Oaks' address on "Divorce" in the April 2007 conference taught me things that I have been pondering on in my own life.  One of my dear childhood friends who lives near my family and whose children have become good friends of my own children, recently got divorced.  It happened last semester while I was registered for 3 family classes (Family Relations, The Family, and The Eternal Family).  These classes study in depth, "The Proclamation: A Proclamation to the World".  The reasons for the divorce aren't important for me to about in this blog, but I was and continue to be so confused about their divorce and the effects it will have on the couple and their children. 

Having said that, Elder Oaks says,

 ". . .a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman.  It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."  

That is what I want to focus on in my own marriage.  

I am not perfect and my husband isn't perfect, but together we can be!  

That gives me hope! 

 That gives me something to work toward!  

That is why we are here on the earth, 

to strive to be like God so that we can return to Him again!